Many years ago I was not content with who I was. I hated everything about myself. Because of resenting myself so much, I devolved an Eating Disorder. It was my own worse enemy. If that wasn't enough I started to self mutilate. I struggled with this for many years of my life. I thought that was what I needed. My best friend always talked about To Write Love On Her Arms. She had no idea that I struggled with harming myself and Anorexia. (I later found out she did and that's why she talked about TWLOHA.) One night I got home and I decided to check it out. That was when I was in eleventh grade, 2010. I started to open up about my struggles. I still struggled with cutting,and Anorexia, but I was able to talk with people who understood and cared. It wasn't until my freshman year at college that I actually reached out for help to get better. My friend reminded me of To Write Love On Her Arms and I reached out to them again, and got information on different treatment centers in the area, and checked in with them. On Tuesday and Thursday afternoons with out any of my friends/family knowledge, I attended treatment for my Eating Disorder and self mutilation. I know wear a TWLOHA necklace and write love on my body when ever I get an urge to cut. It will be two years in March since I took a blade to my body. I found happiness in who I am, and a Savior who loves me. Thank you to TWLOHA for saving my life. My life will never be the same, and I owe it to Jesus, and TWLOHA for showing me love when I needed it most. <3   

My Precious child

Precious child reading this know that I love you. know that once you are saved I don't stop working. I continue the work in you. You are my beloved. I know cause I made you.
     My Child I love you. I call you by name. You are mine. I am not disappointed in you. You are not to far away to be loved. I want to be by you. I want you to love me,and ME only. I want you to hold on to me through everything. Know that you cannot let me down, you were never holding me up. I hold you up with my victorious right hand. You are redeemed. I don't hold anything against you. 
     My daughter, You are so precious. You are beautiful the way you are, you don't need to change for me to love you. I love you just as you are. Don't believe any of the lies you were told. You are way more precious then gold. Guard your heart. I have made you pure. Come to me and live. Come to me and be filled with never ending joy and rest in me. I'm the only one who can give you fulfilling rest. I am your father. I will not leave you. I will not hurt you. You can trust me. You can love me. I'll help you. You cannot do it on your own, and I know that. I'm here to help you. I am for you.I broke through your walls you built up. I have given you freedom. Walk in that freedom that I gave. You have been redeemed. Daughter, don't hold things against you. Don't view your scars as disappointment but my love in you now, what my Son did on the cross for you. You are not your past, you are so much more, so much more. You are my beloved, I created you for a purpose. As I raised Lazarus from the dead I am raising you from the dead.  You're at my table. All you need to do is ask and I will help you. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. I love you to much to let you keep cutting and starving yourself. This cutting problem you have, It's gone. It's not apart of you any longer. I beat it. My sons scars are enough. Your eating disorder is gone. The whips my son received are in place of that. Your sin is forgiven by each nail pound in my sons hand. I have forgiven you. Walk in this freedom that I have set before you. Your life shines out my love. Your life is a testimony to my greatness. I have brought you through so much things now you just need to praise me. Even in the bad praise me. I am your God. Do not fear. I have your hand placed in mine. I am leading you through the deep waters that you're in. I am your life boat. Just keep looking towards the light. I love you, my precious precious child. you are mine. Never forget that. I love you. 
                                                          Love, Your God, who is closer then you think. <3

Beauty

What is beauty?  
             According to the dictionary beauty is defined as A combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic sense. 
What is Self-Image?
                  The conception that one has of oneself, including an assessment of qualities and personal worth.
What I want to know is why people get so caught up with it. Many people today say "oh, I'm not beautiful." They think that they're either too fat, or too skinny. They have other flaws. Their body isn't how they want it to be. Self Image is a major thing to do with beauty. If you have a negative self image, you'll have a bad sense of your beauty. Beauty is not about the outward appearance.

I know in my life I have struggled with this way more than I should. I grew up with my older sister who is beautiful beyond belief. I was jealous. I always thought that being beautiful meant having long hair, wearing makeup and nice tight clothing. I was none of that. I had short hair. I didn't wear make-up. I wore baggy clothing to hide the scars on my wrist. The weight that I was losing. I had turned into a monster. To be "beautiful" in the worlds standards, I stopped eating, I cut myself. I would do anything to be beautiful. I didn't realize that I was already beautiful the way I WAS. I didn't need to starve myself. I didn't need to be how society wanted me to be. They put on unrealistic expectations for girls my age to see. 

 

It wasn't until I got to my senior year of high school when I truly found out what beauty actually consisted of. Everyone there was so lost. I saw their brokenness. I came to a point where I was just like them. I couldn't go on. I didn't want to end up like them. I wanted respect. I didn't want to flaunt super super tight clothes anymore. I realized that it was a stumbling block for men. I realized that beauty is skin deep. 

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the -->UNFADING<-- beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4. 

I found out that  if you are not dressed like a whore people actually pay attention to your personality, which is where the true beauty is. If you allow people to "check you out" it is just them saying, "omg, look at that body, it is great.. and their minds wander."  They wont respect you and your boundaries, because you dress like a slut. I never really dressed to terrible (I think) but I saw many around me make the decision.

If you don't find your beauty in God, you don't know true beauty. You have fast food beauty, meaning that you try everything that the world has to offer but you cant perfect it. You always feel like something is missing. You go to these empty wells to find perfection but just get hurt over and over again.

When I think of beauty in my life, I think of God. With God I know that I never have to worry about going to these empty wells to try and fill my "beauty need". All I need to do is go to my God and be like "hey, Man upstairs, I'm struggling in this area. Please help me to see that I am beautiful, and how YOU CREATED ME TO BE." I don't want to have the worldly beauty because that just brings on a bunch of hurt, pain, and unnecessary scars. It also brings disappointment. You think that cutting doesn't hurt anyone. You are 100% wrong. Just like I was. It hurts your close friends and family just as much as you.

Think Beauty.
BE
Earnestly
Artsy
Unique
Truthful
YOURSELF

 And most of all remember, God made you special. You are beautiful. Whether believe it or not. Don't let others tell you that you're not beautiful, because God doesn't make ugly things. You are his BEAUTIFUL child. He is looking down on you smiling. <3

 

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Letter number 2 to my addicton cutting.

Dear young person. Just do it, one cut will take away the pain. I promise it will work. I have many people doing this. It's all the rage right now. I will help you. When ever you are in a bad mood, a depressed mood or feel like no one will care you can come to me, I'll care. I wont leave you. Who else do you have? I have been there for many people. Each time you cut another pain will be taken away. No one needs to know. It will be our little secret. The pain you feel, and the blood you see will give you an adrenalin rush. It will consume you. It will be all you can think of. I'm your best friend. You have nobody else. You've counted on so much people and they have all let you down, your mom, your dad. I have not let you down I was always there when you needed someone. I am just a blade away. You can count on me. I'll make you happy again. People around you will tell you that it's not going to help, but they don't understand the bond that we have. It's a special bond, and I only come to people who really need it, people who understand that I am worth it. You are a good fit. You already know my friend anorexia. Join me and you'll be even happier. Your life will be way better with me. Without me you are nothing. You can't do anything with out thinking of me. Your scars will bring back all the fond memories that we had.

                                                                                     your friend, cutting. 

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  Dear Cutting. You lied to me. You said cutting would take away my pain, but it didn't. It made it worse. I trusted you. I thought you would help. But you didn't. You told me that no one would care and that you would. But I know that you didn't care. You just knew that I would be dependent upon you for a long time. You don't like being lonely. You come to people who you think are weak so they fall prey to you. The truth is just that you are a very pathetic dirty rotten no good liar. You ruin peoples lives. You don't care about us. You just want to see us in pain,see how far you can get us to go. Well I've got news for you jerk. You don't own me anymore. The truth is that each time I cut, another pain was added. Each time I see the scars it doesn't bring back fond memories like you said, it brings back all the hurt and the pain, that YOU NO LONGER HOLD CAPTIVE. I have been set free from this. You don't control me anymore. People do care. You said that it didn't hurt anyone else, that was a big lie too. It hurts everyone around me. People told me that it wasn't going to help and I didn't believe them because of you, but now I believe them, I know it doesn't help. That's another lie you told me. You said that you would never leave me, but I never said that I wouldn't leave you. I don't want you apart of my life anymore. I'm not looking at these scars as you and I as friends ever. I am not looking at these scars as you taking away my pain, but what happened for me 2000 years ago on the cross. Those scars are enough for me now. The scars I have don't take away pain. You lied. You had me trapped for so long, and now I am free. You can climb back into the hole you came out of. I don't want you in my friends life anymore. You are a loser. I hate you.

                                                                                                       Sincerely, Tiera Wilson.

PS. Don't come back, cause I wont let you. 

Divine Appointmet

We serve an ALMIGHTY GOD. On Friday nights my school does this awesome thing called encounter. I was planning on going but then I was having a lot of fun with my friend, but was feeling conflicted about going still or not so she told to go. I went to my room and was praying. Zephaniah 3 came to me. I read it. Verse 6-10 is what really spoke to me. It talks about God's nations when he will return. That the good and bad will be talked to. God then asked "will you go to the nations." I had said yes. He then gave me a vision of a blonde girl with leopard print that was so broken and had dad issues. So I went and started praying for the hour before and let others know. A few other girls in our group got a vision of a blonde broken girl as well. On the way down to the warehouse district I strictly heard be on guard at 12:20. The girl will show up. So I told a few people to watch for the girl. At about 12:00 Matt, Alayna, and I got to 8th and Henipin.  We were talking to this man named Eric. We prayed for him, and as we finished it was 12:15ish. This other man came to us and was talking for about 5 minutes. I notice across the street two blonde girls. One of them are crying and really upset. I told God if this was suppose to happen she would come over here. Shortly she crosses the street and comes and interrupts our conversation. She is just extremely broken. We found out that someone stole her phone and she needed to get a hold of her boyfriend. We were helping her. As Matt was on his phone doing his thing I started talk with this blonde girl, whose name is Jess. I ask her how her relationship is with her dad. She said no, and moved on so I just let it be. We had walked her to the bathroom, because she needed to go. When she came out I felt like I needed to tell her some of my life story. So I did. I find out that we have a VERY similar life story.  She is so broken and full of pain that she is doing whatever to get rid of it. I just felt like I needed to hug her, and just love on her. As I was hugging her I was encouraging her. I then asked her if she wanted a relationship with Christ. She wasn't ready, but the seed had been planted. I prayed with her that God would just give her an overwhelming since of peace and love. I also made sure that she knew that God wouldn't leave her or forsake her. That He wouldn't hurt her like her earthly father did. I told her that God still loves her regardless of her past. Her friend and her needed to go then. I gave them my number and told them to call  or text me anytime they needed to and just encouraged Jess. They have already text me and I am going to go out for coffee with them next Wednesday. When we finished talking to Jess we started talking to another man. it got to be 1:15 and we need to wrap things up and go meet with our group. On the way back to the group I knew it wasn't done yet. There will still two more people we were going to reach. Once we got to the group we were talking and I told the rest of the group that. Right after that these two men started talking to us. One of them were completely healed of foot issues.  This all just goes to show that God cares for everyone. It doesn't mater. He uses anybody to reach out. He loved Jess so much that He gave me the wonderful opportunity to meet her and disciple her. He knew that I would be able to help her. He knew that my past would minister to her life right now. God is faithful and He loves everyone. He used many people tonight to reach out and just let others know that they are loved, and that God loves them, and hasn't forgot about them.  

Let Freedom reign.

Last night was a great night for me. At church God's presence was so in my life. He was speaking to me all night. We talked about giving are cares to God. I knew of at least three major ones that I needed to give him, My eating disorder, My cutting, and my shame. I was able to give the eating disorder and cutting to him easily. When it came to the shame I didn't want to. I was to afraid to be that vulnerable with God. I told God that too. I told him, you can have my eating disorder and cutting, I won't hold it against myself anymore, but my shame, that's mine. I deserve it, and if you want it that bad you can get it from me in Praise Gathering.  On the whole way home from church I am just in a "fight" with God. I just want to go up and go to sleep, but I needed to go to PG. Once I got to PG they were singing the song Freedom is Here. I was skeptical at first because I had an idea what was going to happen. I was being very bitter at this point. I went and found a seat and just sat there quietly worshiping. A song or two later the person leading us in worship started speaking to the students who were there. She said that God want's are pasts. We are struggling with things that we just need to give to him. She went through a list of 4. Three of them hit home pretty well. 1. Eating Disorders 2. Self-Mutilation 3. Pornography 4. Shame. Once she got to shame I just got up and left. I was not wanting to give up my shame. It was mine I wanted it to myself, I didn't want to give it up to God. One of my close friends saw me get up and just storm out and she being super great followed me and talked with me, pretty much just told me that I have to declare the freedom. I was angry at first. I didn't want to hear that. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted nothing to do with what God was trying to do. I didn't completely trust and let him work in me at this time. I was to caught up in my own world to care what God was doing. I didn't realize how big it was. After talking to my friend I realized how much I do need to give my shame to God and I just went back and started praying. I told God that I didn't want my shame anymore. I told Him to back off from my life and let me figure things out on my own. In that he told me that if he were to do that I would not be here today. After I got done talking to God I just felt a major weight lifted off of my shoulders. I was shameless, I knew that I was blameless as well because God forgave me, and once he does that He doesn't hold it against you anymore. So I started worshiping with all of my heart, I was holding nothing back. Then God told me that I needed to share my testimony in front of everyone. That freaked the crap out of me. I told God not unless he makes it known to me, someone has to tell me. (I was being stubborn with God, He wins no matter what.) Right after I said that one of the people leading worship had stopped the song and said If any of you feel like your suppose to share something I want you to know that you can come up here and share it whether it be a testimony, scripture or just a word of encouragement. At that point I was like alright God, whatever. I'll go. So I went. I shared what happened.
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Now, for you. God wants to do the same thing with you. God doesn't judge. Every slash that his son took every pounding of the hammer in his hands and feet, every drop of blood that was shed was to take your sin away. Give it to God. You won't regret it. God wants to take it. He doesn't want you to be filled with hatred. He wants to love you, and he wants you to be able to love him unconditionally. He won't hurt you. He won't leave you. He will love you. He will always be there for you. Trust in him. It's worth it. 

Letter from Aneorexia and letter back to Aneorexia

Dear young girl, I am your best friend. You can't escape from me. You love me to much. You have put many years into it and now you want to leave? Good luck with that. It's going to be hard, you're going to gain a lot of weight, you're going to look bad. You will lose all of your support system. Your self-worth is going to be crap, you're not going to want to eat anymore. I am going to control you still. You will always always struggle with me. You're a weak person, that's how I found you. You have invested six years in me. We became close. You're going to want to count your calories your going to want to do what ever you can to get your ideal weight. I control you. You can't get away. You can try, but it won't be very effective. You can't do it on your own. I control thousands of girls. What makes you think that I will let you free? What makes you think that I want to let you go? I'll start to control your relationships with others. You'll have to lie to close friends and family about your eating habits. You're become so consumed with me that you will not care that your body is to weak to carry on, that you are close to dieing. You like the "high" you feel to much to let it go.
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Dear Anorexia. In your face. I got away. You don't control me anymore. I know it's going to be a major struggle, but I have a strong God who is stronger. You don't own me. You don't have control over who I am anymore. I won't be controlled by the thoughts of worthlessness and bad self image. I know that I have worth. I know that I am not fat. And who cares if I was. Who are you to say that I am suppose to skinny? Who are you to say that this controls me? Who are you to say that I won't get away? I got away didn't I?  You controlled me for to long, and now I'm taking back what is rightfully mine. You don't deserve the weight I lost. You don't deserve the pain I had to go through. You don't deserve my time anymore. You are not a part of me. You won't ever be a part of me again. I don't want to see you around me or my loved ones ever. I am going to help people fight against you. You won't have control over me, or them. You will lose all of your friends.  Well Peace out. I don't like you.
                                                                       Go to hell, You ruined my life.
                                                                                      Tiera Wilson